• Ocean Chee

Getting to Know _____ Better

An interview with Fernando Parrilla


Disclaimer: The Sapphire does not endorse or encourage any of the behavior depicted in the following article.


Fernando Parrilla is a 7th grade student who enjoys winding back, relaxing, and playing video games. He self-identifies as an anarcho-syndicalist, claiming that revolutionary industrial unionism was the inevitable method for workers in capitalist society to gain control of an economy, and thus gain influence in broader society. Talk about a personality! Fernando enjoys the simpler things in life, such as eating a large pizza or watching a nice show.


The Interview (Left to Right: Ocean Chee, Fernando Parrilla)

 

Fernando, tell us a bit more about yourself. Why are you here today?

Fernando: Well, I’m 12 years old this year and as I understand, I’m here on two felony counts of aggravated assault after attempting to steal several cans of Play-Doh from the store down the road.


Now, wait a second. Plato, the renowned Greek philosopher?

Fernando: No. I mean Play-Doh.

Fernando: I take it you are unaware?


No, obviously I know what Play-Doh is. I’m just not exactly certain as to what use you would have for it?

Fernando: It is widely regarded amongst the youths as a delicacy.


I see. So you were stealing this Play-Doh to eat? And…why?

Fernando: Yeah, it’s like cigarettes.

Fernando: Sometimes when I have a stressful day I just need to bust open a can or two to take the edge off, but some kids can’t handle it, and they end up…succumbing. Then they need to go to the hospital.


I see. Why then, would you keep eating Play-Doh if you know it poses such health risk?

Fernando: It tastes good.

Fernando: What kind of question is this? You might as well just ask why smokers smoke cigarettes. You are a bad interviewer.


Makes sense. As an 11 year old, what is your opinion on the recent 2020 US elections?

Fernando:

Fernando: Are you really asking me that? I just told you that I eat Play-Doh. I have no idea what that even is.



The Interview (Left to Right: Ocean Chee, Fernando Parrilla)


You don’t know what the US elections are?

Fernando: Last I checked, that right there land belonged to the king.

Fernando: Also I have that disease thing where you forget stuff.


It is interesting that you should mention Alzheimer’s, as it is a condition that primarily affects the elderly. Do you have any comments on that?

Fernando: I eat Play-Doh, man.

Fernando: What’s even Alzheimer's?


Alright, next question Fernando. Fernan-dough boy. Pillsbury dough boy. Nando. Nando-lorian. Can I call you Fernard? Is Fernando short for Fernard?

Fernando: Sure, whatever.


Can you speak to the potential applications of solar energy as a renewable source of power?

Fernando: OK, imagine I actually understand any of what came out of your mouth, and repeat it but more simple.



No.

Fernando:

Fernando: Okay.


What is your favorite color? And why?

Fernando: Red.

Fernando: The color of the blood of my enemies, which I spill with malicious intent on the walls of their carpeted kitchens.

The Interview (Left to Right: Ocean Chee, Fernando Parrilla)


Aren’t you like, 8? What kind of enemies do you have that require this caliber of awesomeness in your speech?

Fernando: The ones that take my Play-Doh.


Do you object to the decriminalization of drugs in Oregon, Fernie Sanders? Fernando: As in the- as in they just inject the drugs into their organs?


No, Oregon. The state.

Fernando: Ohh.

Fernando: No comment.


Why are you such a bad interviewee? I seriously doubt you’re leaving this building with a job at the pace this interview is going.

Fernando: Dude, you’re in my house. What job are you talking about? Wasn’t this for a newsletter or something? It doesn’t matter if you won’t give me a job, I’m like 6 years old and I think it’s illegal to make me work.


Wow. Frankly, I am appalled at your lack of professionalism. Do you know who I am? I am a leader of industry. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t terminate your contract right now, set your resume on fire and make you a pariah in this town!

Fernando: You can’t fire me, I quit!


That’s fine, you’ve been the worst 3 year old I’ve ever interviewed anyway!

Fernando: I don’t know a proper way to transition to the end of this interview! Just add a fake quote in here that you think I would say!


Okay!

Fernando: Insert deep, philosophical note that leaves readers with a poignant impression of the interview.


Did you just say that out loud? That might not play out well in the actual interview when I’m done writing it, man.

Fernando: That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, not mine.


That is all for today, with this we conclude our interview. Fernando, you have been insufferable. Thank you for tuning in to our second attempt at Getting To Know Someone Better, we hope this experience has granted you as revealing of a glimpse into the inner enigma that is Fernando Parrilla’s mind as it has for me. If you’d like to be known better in the next interview, don’t contact me because I have since quit writing for this newsletter!

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