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The Importance of Shaking Your OJ

If you’ve lived the life of an average DP student, you might often find yourself in this common predicament.

Picture this: you’re up late blasting music while chipping away at an English essay when suddenly, you are rudely interrupted by the growling of your stomach. You glance at the time, which reads 1 AM. “I’m not even hungry,” you convince yourself, “besides, who even eats at this time? I should be asleep”.

Glutton that you are, you risk sneaking to the kitchen in the pursuit of inhaling as much food as humanly possible, before retreating back into your cozy room. The door of the refrigerator creaks open to reveal a bag of shredded cheese which seems to be calling to you through some sick, twisted sort of fate. You can barely contain your animal instincts as your bony fingers tear through the bag and the cold cheese slides down your muzzle. Alas! The cheese was far too dry to enjoy without a beverage, so your attention naturally diverts to the carton of orange juice just below. There is just enough juice left in the carton, which you spare no hesitation in ripping open.

All is well. However, you neglected one salient fact: in your utter, utter incompetence, you had forgotten to shake the carton. A sea of grainy, orangey pulp hits your throat all at once and clogs it completely, dooming you to a slow and painful death-by-auto-asphyxiation. You fall, choke, and struggle, locked in a battle with the orange juice pulp as well as the consequences of your own idiocy.

While certain aspects of this story have been embellished, it highlights an important message that orange juice is more than a force to be trifled with. It is a well-known fact that you should always shake your orange juice before you drink it. Sure, the first few mouthfuls might be fine, but the longer you let orange juice sit the more the pulp sinks to the bottom.

It coagulates and builds like a malignant mass coiled in repose, waiting with bated breath for the precise moment to catch you off guard and absolutely ruin your late-night eating session. I can tell you from experience that it is not pleasant. By refusing to shake the carton, you only delay and worsen the inevitable assault on your windpipe at the hands of orange pulp, choosing to prioritize the wants of the present over the needs of the future. The truth of what is left over can often be difficult to swallow, much like the borderline inedible sludge at the bottom of a carton of what can hardly be called orange ‘juice’.

Fortunately, realizing you have a problem is the first step towards addressing larger issues, and while problems like orange pulp can’t be solved overnight, you can start by taking small steps. Ignoring orange juice pulp is a matter of responsibility, so you can start by learning to be responsible for something else. Obviously, this leaves you with no choice but to adopt a dog, which on top of being man’s best friend will also develop your responsibility-related skills over time, teaching you to be more mindful of the carton of juice in the fridge. Alternatively, you could choose to avoid orange juice and its pulp altogether by refraining from drinking anything at all. Fasting is a common practice in certain Buddhist circles, and is a method of keeping your body pure and untarnished by the food of this world, including orange pulp. Some even say it can elevate your spiritual being and bring you closer to Nirvana (the heavenly state, not the band). After you attain enlightenment, reality bends to your will and removing the pulp is as trivial as a thought. Otherworldly forces are at play in this method.

Clearly, there are many constructive ways with which you can absolve this societal transgression, but these are just some of the most popular ones. While it may seem trivial, it speaks to a broader problem we all face in the nature of being human: laziness. Especially in our modern day and age, it can be all too easy to forget that we are the masters of our destiny, and that we alone have control over our lives. Orange juice is the warmth in life while pulp is merely the lingering taste of regret, and living a life of regret is just untenable. These hardships are a necessary evil for humanity to incrementally progress, and realize that in times of need, unity is of paramount importance in facing our true enemy, orange juice pulp.

It was only in writing this article did I realize some orange juice is sold without the pulp in it. You should go buy that stuff.

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