Trees: A Foe To The Modern Woman’s Pregnancy
Children are born every day in our ever-expansive modern society, a fact which many a parent has celebrated through memorable events like baby showers and gender reveal parties. However, as of late there has been a notable tonal shift regarding such activities. Reports as recent as September of 2020 have shown the harmful impact that trees, grass, and nature in general has had on pregnant communities, ultimately speaking to a much larger issue at hand. As a matter of fact, the problem has grown so pressing it has compelled me to write an entire article about the struggles pregnant women face, a notable fact as I myself am not a pregnant woman.
Our investigative reporters managed to reach out to a pregnant woman (who will remain nameless) for any comments she had on the situation, to which she responded:
Expecting mother 1: “I feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel outraged, irate, betrayed, peeved, miffed, and annoyed. When all I want is widespread internet virality and an extravagant event whilst appearing quirky and unique, it feels like I’m constantly being suffocated, like I don’t have any options. As an expecting mother, I’m losing my right to expressing something as basic as my child’s gender. I’m getting harassed by environmentalists just because all of a sudden, ‘setting off 10 gallons of gasoline in the middle of a field of dry grass doesn’t seem like such a good idea’. Really? Get your priorities straight.”
And indeed, there has been a change in attitude in the ways extravagance in events such as this are perceived by the public, with our interviewee’s comments clearly being representative of a deeper issue faced by middle aged pregnant women. At what point does the conservation of natural flora and fauna impede on an individual’s personal rights to express to their otherwise indifferent friends on Facebook that their child is a girl? The answer is simple; that attempting to protect wildlife is, obviously, diametrically and fundamentally opposed to gender reveal parties, and its high time constructive action was taken.
A recently published article details the development of wildfires following the aftermath of a gender reveal party in California, reporting on countless losses in forest wildlife and tens of thousands of acres in decimated forest. However, little do most know that this might be exactly what society needs, as the number one problem our global community faces in this day and age is exactly what humanity has been conditioned to grow used to for millennia. The extent that the simple presence of a tree has on a community is downright overwhelming, and frankly, the recurrence of them serves as a disturbing reminder that our freedom of expression might not be as free as presumed. Expecting families find themselves severely restricted, unable to welcome their child with the overly dangerous and environmentally harmful gender reveal parties that they deserve, instead being forced to settle for a simple social media announcement. It is without a doubt that this constant, systematic oppression derives from exactly where you’d expect: the trees.
Our reporters in the field managed to pick up another quote from an expecting mother.
Expecting mother 2: “Extravagant gender reveal parties are terrible, and honestly bring the risk of massive collateral damage along with them for people who aren’t careful.”
Interviewer: “Do elaborate.”
Expecting mother 2: “Do you know what kind of fear I would be facing if something went wrong, and I was forced to suffer the consequences of my actions? When I see a leaf now, all I hear are whiny tree-huggers telling me what to do. If I want to celebrate my child’s gender with a homemade pipe bomb, then just let me do it!”
This begs the question, what solutions are pregnant women left with? Clearly, bothering to take safety precautions in the service of preventing yet another horrific accident is not an option. The only viable and plausible solution is the total removal of every tree on earth, and a simple course of action in the pursuit of this agenda is none other than more gender reveal parties. Obviously, this resolution would be contingent on the destructive nature of extravagant celebration in order to bolster its effectiveness. It removes the infringement that nature has on pregnant women’s rights by removing the nature in question, eliminating the problem at its root cause.
Firstly, the social and scientific impact would be undeniably beneficial. Any self respecting adult who values their right to expression agrees that the removal of trees would be warranted in the service of the defence of personal liberties. This solution ultimately contributes to an improvement in the social health of any community, while also helping in other ways. The clearing of trees removes the issue of wildlife inhabiting valuable potential real estate, while also freeing up space. As a matter of fact, this space could be used as locations for environmental protection agencies such as the World Wildlife Fund or National Wildlife Federation, in order to further research and take meaningful actions towards protecting mother nature.
With that note concludes the inaugural installment of A Critique on Human Activity, where we focus on nothing but the whole unalienable truth and pride ourselves on scientific fact-based thinking. Tune in next issue for another article on whether or not Sasquatch activity should be legalized. What Sasquatch activity means, we have no idea either. Thank you for reading!
Disclaimer: The views depicted are for satirical purposes only and does not represent the actual views of The Sapphire.